for you.. and only you

the past few weeks to me.. have been like a dream.. :) i want to share this song with u.. read between the lines.. they will tell you more than what u see ;)

Never Had A Dream Come True - S Club 7

yeah you probably might ask yourself.... dream.. ? what dream..? did anything fantastic happen.. ? my answer is yeah.. alot of fantastic things happenned... going out.. msging u thru the day..talkin at nights.. pretty normal and simple stuffs for most people..i guess.. but something ive only until recently been hopin for.. and the fantastic thing about it is the joy it brings me.. the contentment..


Everybody's got something
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
That just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
All this, I know, but still I cant find ways to let you go


its amazing how life fades into the background and time accelerates when i msg u thru the day.. talk at night.. i used to dread going to camp each day.. wondering how much hell and rubbish i was going to take that day.. lookin at the clock slowly tick the seconds away thru the day.. lookin up.. noting the time.. only to look up what seemed like an eternity later and realise that only 7 minutes have passed.. but now these thoughts dont even cross my mind.. i dont dread going to camp.. i dont wonder how much rubbish i was going to have to tolerate that day.. coz all i think about is you.. wondering what ur doing.. how ur feeling.. lookin forward to that predictable timing of 8.02am when you would wake up and reply me.. your first msg to me for the day..



I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though, I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I've never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you


i dont believe its possible to express in words the joy i feel about life now.. the life with u a lil closer to me.. i know there are certain things that set us apart.. our diff characters.. our diff ideals.. but you know.. honestly.. i think the greatest thing that stands in our way is love itself... i know i love you.. i loved you for close to 4 years now.. ive had distractions along the way.. but all these distractions have served to convince me that my feelings for you were real.. that im not just having a crush on u...i cant say for sure what attracts me to you.. a deeper feeling.. a subconscious desire.. your character.. your ideals.. your mindset.. it all blends together to make you.. a special you..


Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And tomorrow could never be
Cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or might have been
All this, I know, but still I cant find ways to let you go


every now and then.. you keep telling me how bad u are.. how horrible u are.. and that we will never be together... u tell me im blind.. but as ive told you.. no one is perfect.. everyone has flaws... love is the prism through which the view of our partner becomes perfect.. plus... flaws are not always flaws... flaws.. to me.. are just particular character traits that define who you are..
you know why i say the greatest thing that stands in our way is love itself.. ? because of what love can do.. and the lack of it.. you talk of obstacles.. but realli.. none of these so-called obstacles would be called obstacles if love was present would it? it would just be challenges to be overcomed.. a lil thing that we just got to find a solution for.. a compromise.. i love you.. and thats how i view the many different points you have raised about yourself.. just as stuffs that we got to find a solution to.. i dont see any obstacle that cant be overcomed in my journey thru life.. with you hopefully by my side... the only question is.. do you love me as i do love you..?


I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though, I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I've never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be


im not gonna rush.. not gonna ask u to be my galfriend.. to be my wife.. coz i dont know how u feel about me.. if there even is a love thats more than friends.. i want you though.. id like to spend the rest of my life with u and no one else.. ill wait for u.. as long as it takes.. hopefully one day ill hear from you the words i yearn to.. i know..im aware.. i may never hear them.. nevertheless.. my feelings for you will always remain.. love cant be forced.. and i accept that fact of life.. that sometimes we cant have everything we want.. i want you to know that ill always be here for you.. always be here to hear you..to offer you my shoulder to cry on.. i pray that heaven and angels exist.. and i pray that ill be given a chance by God to watch after you even after im physically gone..


You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes, you will, say you will, you know you will, oh baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No, no, no, no


we read of people..couples.. who can gaze at each other forever.. and not get bored.. who simply enjoy each others company.. i used to wonder.. if that were true.. i now know.. it is true.. just gazing at you last saturday fills me with a sense of contentment.. a peace.. a joy.. it makes me feel as if nothing else mattered.. i wish that moment would last forever..

u know.. everytime when we are out.. i have this urge.. this desire.. to just hold u...


I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though, I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I've never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you....


im actually very scared of losing u... i hope i never do.. even though u said ur friends will always matter to u.. i know that if u get together with another guy.. things will definitely change between us... ill lose a part of you.. for sure.. i just hope.. that should that happen.. i will still have the strength to continue loving you..to stand by you.. to declare the fact.. that i still love u.. please remember.. no matter what i say or do.. no matter what you think.. always remember that deep down in my heart.. my feelings for u remain..


i will take care of you.. and pamper you.. and spoil u..as much as i can.... i love u.

the cry of the broken hearted..

girl if only u could see the hurt behind my smile.. lovin u yet not daring to try.. knowin u like him and tt we would never be..

my mind screams at me..telling me loving you would only make me hurt..but my damn heart doesnt listen to my damn brain...

i must have been a bloody heartbreaker in my last life..
im payin for it in this life..

my life in TP...

what can i say.. my poly lifes crap.. filled with misunderstandings.. and dumb ppl.. (tho the people mentioned sucked..i shall not reveal their real names to give them what little face they deserve.. if u wanna know their real names. ask me..id gladly tell u providing ur reason is satisfactory :P)

let me start with year1.. hmmz in year1 i was stuck with the same class for a whole year..the first few weeks were ok.. my classmates and i joked and crapped around alot.. we played games together.. was close to 2 guys.. chris and dahong..

then the nonsense started..

there was one time we wanted to go have lunch.. this bloody malay guy insisted on going engineering.. we all know engine food is the worst in tp.. so i told him dun wan.. he kept insisting engine engine.. i got so irrirated when i asked him why and he wont tell me..just continued insisting like a small kid and got sulky.. i relented.. but he started ignoring me.. i was like.. wtf? ... tt bugger didnt talk to me since tt time.. i later found out tt ok he wanted engine coz engine had halal food.. right.. so why cant he tell me at first so i would have gracefully gave way ? blah.. so now im da bad guy all because he didnt tell me and i had no idea about his food preferences.. how unreasonable can tt lil bugger be.. blaming me for something which i had no idea about.. ok i know some of u might say..i shd have been more sensitive to his dietary needs..but hey.. how am i suppossed to know about what food is there in TP.. im still a year1 freshmen so how would i know engine was one of those places with halal food ? and what food he can or cannot eat.. ? blah.. dumbass..

with work came projects.. yeah i know i said my classmates joked and crapped around alot..but hey.. its fun to joke and crap around but for projects must be a lil more serious rite ? i want to do well for my results man.. im not like the others..wanna pass can already..which i found out is the damn childish mentality of 99.9999999999 PERCENT of TEMASEK SCHOOL OF INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY !! one day..i got so pissed off at their crapping around i scolded a guy childish.. u know wads the ironic thing.. hes 2 or 3 years older than me.. still behave like small kid.. i had enough of him.. ive got patience..but only for people i love.. im biased..yeah yeah..who isnt ? then the second cold war started..whoo.. very cold... blah..

thats 2 classmates down.. how many to go ? i dunnoe..

oh and yeah..had another guy.. always complain IT sch sucks.. dun wanna study..learn no point.. anyhow pass can liao.. so yeah..if he keep sayin all this..wtf is he doing still in sch ? might as well leave .. as if tt heck-care mentality is damn cool ?

then there was this gal..medusa..god i dont know wtf is her damn problem.. for some reason shes been hating me from year1 all the way till now.. and i bet its gonna carry on till i die.. seriously.. ive tried finding out why..but no one seems to freaking know(or dun wanna say).. ive never even talked to her or done anything to her.. and shes like dao-ing me.. ? crazy girl..

time passed and i started drifting away from the rest of my class because of a clash of interests and ideals.. thankfully..i still had chris and dahong.. until chris dropped out of school to pursue other stuffs.. tt guy just left sch without a word.. we later found out he left to train gunbound -_-.. oh well.. at least he won a championship.. hmmph..


year2 semester 1 was when all the shit started flyin all over da place..

i got grouped with this dam ah-lian.. devil in disguise.. i was like..oh shiet.. a little about this ah-lian.. ok shes popular.. coz always give sweets to others.. make stupid jokes bla bla bla.. and maybe coz she looks okok la..some guys would consider her pretty.. not me tho.. i see heart more.. and she definitely has a damn black one.. i love the colour black..but not black hearts..

so i didnt expect much of her after seeing her behaviour and attitude for myself..imagine to my surprise when she seemed serious about work.. i was pleasantly surprised when she even suggested a date when we could all combine our work in class.. so i thot..hmm maybe she aint so bad after all.. tt day came.. she didnt do her damn part.. she didnt even seem sorry about it.. and i certainly didnt consider "sorry la" to be sincere enough.. i gave her the cold shoulder..
wanna know wat this bitch did ? she went around telling everyone say i will throw her out of the group bla bla bla.. when all i did was give her the cold shoulder.. she even started acting so sweet around the other classmates to turn them against me.. she even cried crocodile tears.. what can i do ? she was a lil pretty to guys.. the innocent victim to girls.. she was the angel while i was the devil.. the silent devil.. i was just so frustrated i didnt bother talking whereas she went to gain support like nobodys business.. thats not all.. she even went around EXAGGERATING WHAT I DID AND EVEN SPREAD L.I.E.S ABOUT WE WHICH WERE NOT TRUE..damn tts the part tt pissed me off the most .. but still i kept quiet.. who would listen to me now tt shes gotten first blood by gaining supporters and acting the angel to them ?

which brings me to my next point.. i hate people who form impressions about others by listenin to other ppl.. take A.. A doesnt know B..but hears from C that B is an asshole.. so now A thinks tt B is an asshole too and spreads the word around.. how unfair is that to B.. when A blindly believes C and thinks B an asshole when B may be alrite? everyone is different and we gotta learn to accept differences.. what may make an asshole to you may be just a slight flaw to another..i despise people like A.. why cant A get to know B and find out the truth.. if what C said its true.. i despise those who blindly listen..

i promise myself id never form an unfavourable impression on anyone based on wat i hear. i promise to find out for myself e truth..

ok back to that bitch.. so now shes spread some shit about me.. she continued all thru the years in TP till even now.. so u can imagine.. most people in my school are like A.. and couple that with that deliciously scandalous rumors and lies about me.. u know wad shit im facing yea.. doesnt help that rumors never get better..only worse..

im damn disappointed with my fren dahong.. hes a nice guy..the only thing is tt hes so neutral..and to be honest..i dun like my frens to be too neutral..i want to be able to count on them to stand firmly on my side..so yeah.. dahong.. was the only guy who knew the truth.. that i only gave her the cold shoulder and nothing else.. tt all the tales about me were just plain malicious lies..but he didnt wanna create trouble..so he just kept qiuiet.. and let the lies spread and spread.. that was the thing tt realli made me sad...


year2 semester 2..

im just so damn suay.. i got teamed with this. i wont call her a girl la.. demoness..who only cares about her work.. projects have both group and individual portions.. i dont give a damn if she does her individual portion anyway she wants.. towards the end of the project.. the deadline.. i was in school mugging the project.. i havent done my individual part yet.. yes i procrastinate.. but u know whats the pissing thing about her ? she was at home..doing her damn OWN INDIVIDUAL PART while i was in school doing the GROUP part which she stands to earn marks for as well.. my individual wasnt even done yet.. yes as usual i got pissed and told her off.. she had the balls(yeah i know..dont tell me..shes got no balls..im just using it as a term) to tell me she was at home doing her individual part.. so yep again im da bad guy for scolding a poor innocent girl.. my asss.....

im an honest guy who believes in honesty so if u do something wrong or im unhappy with something id dam well tell u.. and its for ur own good too.. would u rather take the truth tho it hurts ? or sugar words tt are just plain bullshit ? id rather take the truth and i think ur a coward if u run away from the truth that hurts.. im straightforward and will come straight to da point so i dont waste any time.

i also had this guy..a lil idiot tt forever smiles but does nothing concrete.. know wad he does in lab when we are suppossed to code a program ? that bugger just does the graphical user interface of the program.. simple stuff of clicking and dragging textboxes and buttons.. and makes it look so nice.. with no code behind it at all.. joke rite ?for my project with this joker.. i had to do all the work.. sian.. but what can i do ? either i did it all or i let my own grades suffer..which i dun wan..


year3 sem 1.. thank goodness..my bloody last sem of hell..

got teamed with another f-uped bitch.. who like the gal in year2 sem 2.. cared only for her work bla bla.. life wasnt tt bad at first.. coz we did a project tt didnt require much interaction.. but god it got worse.. and i always gotta keep a lookout in case she backstabs me..
in communication skills..we had this project.. propose a new product/service for the elderly.. that was part 1..so each of us proposed 1... part do was to do a business proposal on that product/service that we proposed.. dam hell she copied my idea coz hers was too dumb and already existed.. u know wads the fuming part ?? she did the proposal THEN told me she used my idea.. i was so pissed off but my lecturer said nvm she already did and our proposals are diff anyway -_-.. stupid lecturer yeah...

then something else.. i was late for one meeting coz i woke up late..i told her to postpone it.. she had no reason not to coz she had the whole day till a lesson in the late afternoon.. she bloody didnt postpone the meeting..instead..she went ahead.. did the simple work tt was suppossed to be done in tt meeting.. and tell lecturer she did ALL the work while i didnt even turn up for meeting.. made it seem as if it was my fault.. when all she did was put the content into powerpoint slides.. when I WAS THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONTENT IN THE FIRST PLACE... tell me how can i not get pissed.. ?

and for my major project..now this is one seriously screwed project.. i had 2 guys.. who were both good friends.. so i was kinda the extra here.. them being frens.. one of them became the leader.. how ironic when the leader got into some trouble with the courts and was non-existent from week 2 of the semester onwards.. leader huh.. so now the project team only had me and the other guy..the leader being dead in my books.. so now..with this guy.. all he does is claim he doesnt know what happen to the other guy.. and this guy.. also SMOKES.. hangs around with a group of mats and minahs.. yeah hes a mat too.. he doesnt tell me anything about what hes doing so i always gotta ask him wads up with his part of the work.. like its my responsiblilty to run after him and ask about his progress.. blah.. im so irritated by him.. oh and hes a classic actor.. acts the good guy infront of others..acts as if hes so kind..so caring blabla.. goodness if only they saw his real side..

sometimes i wished i could act in front of others as well as him..so id be popular and well-liked by everyone..but then i think deeper and decide no..i will always want to be honest to people around me and not present to them a false side of me coz that is what i expect of others too..their true side..them to be honest to me.. even tho it means makin enemies..

so yeah.. conclusion..what ive learnt..
1) alot of people in IT sch are just shallow people .. just like A..
2) 1 liar can screw your reputation real good esp if the conditions are right (lots of A-type people)
3) lots of people in IT sch..at least my diploma.. are content with a mere pass.. which pisses me whenever it times to projects..coz to ensure tt i get a good grade.. i got to re-do or do all their shit for them.. which means i do all the work and they freeload the marks.. so dont blame me if i dont mince my words or sugar-coat them when i speak to them..
4) in this world..u work hard and screw the rest..when i say screw i mean dont care hor.. dont let them pull u down..
5) be true to urself and the people around u.. never tell lies..
6) there are alot more stuffs man..but not now.. some other time.. trust me..what uve read about above is just the tip of the iceberg..there are alot more events and incidents.. both good and bad.. haiz.. why does God put me thru all these trials..

life in TP has its good side too tho..it aint always tt bad :)

i met an angel at an event at the end of my year1 :) shes the one ur readin abt in all the previous posts..hahaz they are all dedicated to her.. i still love her... truly madly deeply.. sad to say.. i still havent got the courage to tell her..so yeah.. im still single.. heh.. shes told me something which has kept me from sinking when life gets tough regarding my relationships with all the others in IT sch.. she told me in life.. you cant please everybody..

it sucks when i walk alone..but yep.. i cant please everybody.. and ive got some wonderful people still :)

plus i have a very special fren whom i treasure from my sec sch :)

plus i love my dear freshies in the 2 years tt ive been an OL (NOT Office Lady!) :)

plus ive met some realli good lecturers.. great guys.. whom have taught me more than academic skills.. i respect them and am grateful to have met them.. Mr Josh Liew da gaming club boss.. my careperson Mr Jet Lim.. Mr Liow.. who taught me for 2 sems..

plus my year3 group of fellow OLs ligers :)

plus meeting all my pri sch frens whom i have lost contact with for 4 years.. :)

everyone is different..special... so tell me whats normal? dont always go with the flow for the majority doesnt mean its right.. be yourself..be honest.. ive learnt many lessons throughout my life in poly.. id like to write them all down but i think this post is already too long.. hehe.. till next time :)

if u can read this post means u have my contact..lol so pls.. tell me how u feel after reading it.. whether u disagree or agree.. just tell me.. i wont take offence whenever someone tells me the truth abt how he/she feels..ill appreciate and be thankful for the feedback.. but i certainly will take offence if someone lies about me or withholds from me the truth.. i live by truth.. oh pls forgive me for the language used in some parts of this post.. i get pissed at times too and im no angel.. but whether im a devil or not ill leave tt to u to decide :P

till we meet again.. ;)

Love is Blind; Friendship closes its Eyes

"Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes."
How true.

The older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones. When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet.

By the time I start working life. Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co-workers.

The saddest thing about friendship is that it can die. It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee. Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship. Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true.

When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him or her.

Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends. Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course.

I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on the phone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that. There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled.

The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again. We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship).
We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years.

I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.
IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends?
British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.'"

So the next time I see my friends, I make sure I muster all my courage to go over & say hi ...
For that's all it'll take to maintain the friendship... thanks for taking time to read... & thanks for being my friend.



~friendships may fade, but the memories of the joys shared, the good times and the bad, will always remain in our hearts, forever till we are no more...

i have sinned.. i have sinned greatly..

i have sinned.. i have done something that i regret with all my heart.. i have done some things that not only hurt me..but probably someone else as well..

i thought with you physically gone.. i could get over you.. i tried doing things that would push you out of my mind.. things which led to me doing some things that i regret.. i want to say sorry to you.. i have made a promise..an oath.. for you..and for myself.. that i will never repeat this mistake again.. this promise made by me.. is not just simply a promise.. it will be something that will define my life.. govern how i live my life.. my actions to come.. because it is for you.. for you are the one residing in the depths of my heart..

you know what made me realise my sins..my mistakes.. ? it was when someone asked me to say something from the bottom of my heart.. it was then that i realised.. that no.. i could never say those words to anyone but you.. i have never been a good liar..so.. i kept quiet.. that night.. i made my decision to stop my life of sin.. to put an end to my mistakes..

there is so much that i want to tell you.. to talk to you about.. my only problem..is getting it all out.. will you do me a favour and unlock the vault that is my heart? yes..you do hold the key.. and some places deep down..only you can open..

i dont really know what to say right now.. but.. just that i did something that i deeply regret.. and that i am very sorry for it.. ive made a promise never to repeat that mistake again.. and i hope.. with all my heart.. that we could talk more.. once again..i wanna say that i am sorry.. i have learnt from my mistake.. ilu..

to my first love...

my tertiary instituition.. the place where i first saw colour.. in my first year.. the place where i first knew you..

dedicated to you.. you are my first love.. my love for you.. is a first love that never started..and thus.. will never end..

i love you...

God's Plan ??

my mom keeps telling me everything is God's plan..thats what most Christians are fond of saying..and to tell the truth im getting so sick of hearing tt phrase and i think people who say that just dont know what else to say... i am a Christian too..yet i feel tt tho true the future is in God's hands..but does tt mean we cant influence it ? no..

why do i say we can influence the future ? coz God gave us the power to make our own decisions.. He gave us the right to make choices..to choose..

heres an ironic thing.. studying.. God says He will provide for us and that our future is in His hands.. yet does tt stop us from studing hard to get a diploma ? to get a degree ? no.. we still worry about our studies..we know our future is gonna be lousy if we dont get an education.. so tell me now..u probably dont really like studyin..but are u gonna quit ur studies if some Christian tells u ur future is in God's hands and tt He will provide ?

if the future is totally in God's hands why are ppl still studyin so hard ? why not just trust Him to provide ?

Let me tell you this ppl..the future is in God's hands..but that does NOT mean we do not have control over our future at all.. when we say the future is in God's hands we mean we do our best and hope God will bless the path we have chosen.. do not be foolish and just stop using ur brain..

and next time u say the words "God's plan"..think again.. make sure u use it properly.. lest someone thinks something negative about you..

id like to remind everyone who just read the above again tt i AM A CHRISTIAN TOO !! and i assure you my loyalty to Christ has never wavered..there are times i stumble..where i wonder where is HE.. but i assure u again.. im loyal..till e end..

leave..and let me go..

You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and she is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc...

However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.

I am just like the sun and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight.

To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy. But me, I will change the world for you.

I'll be like the air around you, silent but always there for you. Should you ever need me, i'll be there for you..its my promise.. to you...

reflections..confessions..

I love you..ive loved you since last year..since we met at the very first event i joined in tp..

i guess we dont know each other that well.. till now i still cannot answer what draws me to you so strongly.. i just watched the movie "click"..

it realli got me thinking.. do i treasure the people around me ? have i been hurting them ? have i been insensitive..do i take them for granted ? it also got me thinking about you..got me thinking about how our lives have been.. our distances..how much we communicate..

i didnt have the courage to tell you i liked you then.. i still dont.. im afraid.. id love to ask you out..often ive felt so strong a longing just to call you up and hear your voice.. but somehow.. i fail to do so.. i just didnt dare.. just didnt dare to ask you out.. didnt dare to do anything..

its realli true when people say its far more easier to ask someone you dont love out..rather than someone you love..

people say..always try.. else you would never know how it would be.. ive given the same advice to people..to try..be brave..coz you never know.. you may be 2gether..i can never seem to apply this to my own life.. i dont dare to try..

ive thought of possible reasons why i do not dare.. the obvious one being e fear of rejection.. but.. for the past few months..there was another reason that came to me..it was the reason that when it came to things concerning you..i simply could not "try"..this time..i was serious.. i was serious about you..

for the past year..ive tried telling myself things like..i do not love you.. tried telling myself things like..i like another gal.. ur not my type..

each time i end up feeling defeated..im a person who cannot lie to myself.. each time..after every failed attempt of trying to convince myself that i didnt love you..i end up feeling more lonely..sometimes late at night..i lie awake.. and i feel no ones with me in tis world..

everytime i hear of you going out late..i cant help but worry.. worry about who ur with.. whether you would be safe with them.. i know ur old enough..but do parents ever stop worrying about their kids ? id like to ask you who ur wif..but yet at the same time..i do not want to intrude too much.. maybe i just dont wanna hear something that would make me feel worse.. i end up asking nothing..

the past year has flown by..it is almost ending..i wasted the year..tryin to lie to myself..i tell myself i must face the truth..there is no more running..

those who know me..those whom have asked who i had in my heart..ive told them your name..

as long as i have feelings for you..be it whether i am 18 years old or 81 years old..i will not say i love another..even if it means staying single for the rest of my life.. i would.. this will be my promise to you.. all i ask..is that you let me care..i wanna be here for you..for all time..

dont.. be ashamed to cry..let me see you through..coz ive seen the dark side too..nothing you confess..could make me love you less..

ilu...

go think ;)

out of 20 ppl i meet..i only get along wif 1..tel me do i hav a problem or is it a problem wif those 19 tt i dont like ? lol go think :)

my answer is that i think its their problem..coz i dont like them and im not gonna be a hypocrite and pretend i do...tho of course.. my answer would make me an outcast..hmmz..

how sweet this world is...be a hypocrite.. or an outcast..

truth be told id rather be e latter..coz at least i know im honest..and that i am true to my friends..and of course i hope my friends are true to me too..ppl these days are so good at acting at such a young age..if u get what i mean..

but like my good careperson mr jet told me.. its not advisable for survival in tis world to be outcasted..

lol..go think :) tell me ur views..tell me how u think..give me ur comments..id like to hear them ;)

colourless...

no idea whats happenin to me these few days..ive no interest in anything.. i go around feeling so bored.. no mood.. lifes not just black and white now.. its plain colourless..

i feel as if theres something between us.. a greater distance..an invisible barrier.. tell me.. was it something i said ? something i did ?

is it you whos putting up that barrier ? you whos purposely driftin further away ? do you actually think widening this distance between us would actually make me forget you ? would actually make me..feel any lesser for u ? knowing me.. do you realli think it would work ? dont u know doin this actually hurts..and just tells me even more strongly how much i love you..

forgetting was never easy for me.. for people whom have touched my heart..an impossibility..

you walked into my life.. and i pray you will never walk out.. but no matter what happens.. you have already left your footprints in my heart.. footprints in a place where no wind ever blows.. no rain ever falls..

i wanna love you forever..and tis is all im askin of you.. even if we cant be together.. let us stay as friends.. dont walk out of my life completely..coz i cant and never will forget...ilu..


Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how I can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance...

sometimes theres just no movin on...

I wish this all made sense, I wish I understood. Not having you here with me is tearing me up inside, but I can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try.

You know how I feel about you, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but it's so hard to do when I can't even be next to you. Why does it gotta be so complicated?

Loving you feels so right, but at the same time, knowing I can't have you keeps me awake at night. I just want this to be simple, I just want you here with me, to look into your eyes, be held in your arms...then I'd truly be happy. Right now this distance between us is out of my control, or maybe I am not doing enough. I'm sorry if I'm not doing enough, maybe I'm afraid, maybe I'm not ready. But I'm still hoping one day soon, I'll get what I'm wishing for.

Because no matter the reason for our distance, I know deep down I've already given my heart to you. Just as a married man will never marry again, so my heart will never have another love, never have another owner..because sometimes there's just no movin on...

for the time of our lives...

The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each on e. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness:"Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched ," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt.They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written...



we've all done things in our lives that we are ashamed of..for some..more..for others..less.. nevertheless..our rooms are not locked..there are still cards to be written...

small actions..big impacts..

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get a life." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now.

I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days.

I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and
smiled. "Thanks," he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth...

never underestimate the power of ur actions..with one small gesture you can change a person's life.. thank you for doin something..and because of tt..we are still friends..i know my life is alot better than it would have been if we werent frens..and im realli happy to have u as a fren..as always..ilu..

A Diary of A Guy...

*January 2*
Do you still remember the first time we met? It was the first day in school. I was hurriedly entering the school gate when I bumped into you as you stepped out of a luxurious Volvo. The books you were holding fell all over the ground. I quickly picked up the books and returned them to you along with words of apology, but all you showed me was your intimidating look. My first impression of you was thatyou were a wilful girl born with a golden spoon in your mouth. I had rejected you completely and had hoped not to meet you again, but surprisingly you turned out to be my classmate.

*March 22*
I started to know more about you as days passed and my opinion of you changed for the better on each passing day. I realised that you were from a wealthy family but definitely not a wilful girl. You were nice and friendly. You got angry that day we first met because I had left a footprint marking on the poetry collection you loved dearly. We met often during lunch break and I found something in you that was different from the rest of the girls - your passion for Chinese poetry. Often you would mumble something to yourself. Initially, I thought that you were humming a pop song but later I realised that you had been reciting Chinese poems from great poets. You were so knowledgeable that you knew every poet and which poems they composed. I was very impressed indeed.

*April 5*
I met you again in the study area. That day you were reading the Chinese classics "Romance of the 3 kingdoms". Your ability to appreciate Chinese classics left me with admiration. You were indeed unique in many ways.

*May 5*
From then on, we would often meet in the study area to discuss about the good and bad things of the characters in these Chinese classics. Do you still remember the time when we almost broke off because we could not agree on whether Jia BaoYu hurt Lin Dai Yu? Our argument was so fierce that we never talked for that week. But when Friday came, we still met in the study area and laughed over the incident. After which, another argument started.

*Aug 7*
I could not deny it. It was a feeling I could not identify accurately. Wenever you laughed over a joke with other guys, that emotion filled my senses. It took me a while before identified it. I was in love; the feeling was jealousy. I felt the need to express it. But, I was afraid...that you would dismiss my feeling, that you and I would be stuck in an embarrassing situation, that our long nurtured friendship would crumble...therefore, I kept quiet.

*Oct 1*
The news came as a shock to me. I was so worried when I learnt that you had fainted in the canteen. I was struggling to keep my worried face in control as I looked at the ambulance that carried you away.

*Oct 2*
It was drizzling that day. Our form teacher sadly announced that you had got cancer. As she finished her last sentence, outside the classroom, it seemed to me that the drizzle had turned into a downpour. I could only hear the sound of the rain, nothing more. I rushed to NUH ICU to see you immediately after lesson. Your face was whitish in colour, showing no trace of red. I learnt that you had just undergone an operation. The life-support system was just beside you with tubes piercing mercilessly into your left wrist. "I am all right, it is just a serious case of anemia. Believe me, my parents told me that". you said convincingly. I knew fully well what you were thinking, you did not want me to be worried. "Are you comforting yourself or comforting the fears and hopelessness that was written all over my face?", I thought to myself. I was not strong enough to disagree with you and I nodded my head with a forced smile. You responded with a smile too-with great effort.

*Oct 5*
It was a ordinary day but to me, it was an important day. I felt an impulse to express my love. I walked over to the side of your bed, holding your hand. I told you the story of how an ordinary guy fell in love with a girl who likes poetry and Chinese classics. As I told my story, my eyes started to flood with water, and uncontrollably my voice started to choke, and finally I broke into tear But you held my head against your body and with watery eyes, said: "I understand such a love, so did the girl." I returned my eyes to her and at that moment, her tears dropped, and for the first time, I saw some redness on her lips.

*Oct 26*
It was the last day of examination and I rushed to NUH to continue my story. When I reached there, I only saw the nurse arranging the bed you once slept on. When I asked about you, the nurse told me expressionlessly that you had passed away. It was a bolt from the blue for me. I stood motionless for a long time. I hated myself for spending the last few days preparing for the last examination paper. I hated myself for not staying longer the last time I visited you. I hated myself so much...but you were gone...... I can't remember how I got home that day. When I woke up, I was already in my room. The pillow I slept on was wet. The next day, I went for the funeral. I heard from your father that on the day you passed away, you were still reading the Poetry collection I gave you as a gift for your birthday. Standing in front of Your portrait, I had no tears, they were used up on the day of your death. All I knew was sadness, my heart was like it had shattered into pieces and died.

*Jan 2*
A new girl has taken over your seat. She does not like poetry, but she likes to hum pop songs. When I asked her if she knows Jia Bao Yu, she replied: "What talking you." Yes, you were gone. But to me, the seat is still unoccupied, and maybe no one will ever occupy it....




sometimes..whenever someone enters into our lives..our hearts..we never forget..they leave their footprints forever in our hearts..where there are no winds to erase..

i may grow old with age..my mind may forget..but my heart never will.. ilu..

Time for us

ive never felt so happy for such a long time :)